Don't Let Them Win
by dkerr
Summary: Written years ago, Character Death


Disclaimer I own nothing but the story Rating: some violence, death of a character Titile: Don't let them win (for lack of a better one)  
Author: dwjkerr...  
Feedback: Appreciated

Being dead sucked. Being dead meant that you could hang out with your friends without them knowing you're there. Well, that part wasn't much different than being alive, but at least then you could talk to them and they could hear you, and see you if they bothered to look your way. When you're dead they can't see you or hear you.

Oh there were perks, like you could imagine yourself someplace, and zappo you're there, and you didn't need to eat, or sleep, or the other things having a body meant you had to do.

But if you liked to think of yourself as a people person, and you couldn't even talk to them. Then being dead sucked.

Which pretty much summed up what Xander thought about being dead.

Not that Xander wanted to be dead. Like so many other things that happened in his life it just happened, because he didn't stop to think before he reacted. Of course, if he had stopped to think about it, then he'd be alive and it would be Buffy and, maybe, Willow who would be dead.

They had been fighting a demon who had broken into the museum and had made a quick snack of a security guard. Actually, Buffy did most of the fighting, while Willow tried to find a spell that would help, and he did his best to keep out of the way. It wasn't all that big a demon, but it was strong and wiry and got in one good punch that knocked Buffy head first into a display case, putting her down momentarily. Willow had thought of a spell and was chanting when it attacked her, sending her crashing into the wall.  
By this time, Xander could see Buffy starting to move, but it would be a little longer before she was back in the game.

So Xander made the best contribution he could. He jumped in and let the demon use his body as a punching bag. That way it was preoccupied, wasn't going to attack Willow, and Buffy had a few more moments to recover. He just hoped that she would hurry up.

Buffy was up on her feet in moments, but by the time she managed to pull the demon off Xander, it had buried its claws deep within his stomach, and had ripped all the way up to Xander's neck. She knew there was no way he was going to survive that, and a scream of rage tore from her throat as she ripped a Maori War Club from the wall, and began whaling away at the demon.  
She had no plan, no aim, except to make the demon pay.

Xander watched all this, like he was watching a movie. He had no pain, no thought even that the body lying on the floor, the one Willow was crawling through blood towards, was even his. It was there and he was here.

Buffy finished with the demon, it was hardly recognizable anymore, and turned back to see Willow kneeling in a pool of blood, staring at the body.  
She was not speaking, crying, or moving. She was just staring.

"C'mon Willow, we got to go." Willow didn't move. Not until Buffy reached down and pulled her to her feet. Then she moved mainly because she had to.  
"We got to got tell Giles.

Xander followed them.

"Good Lord." Giles stared in shock at the two of them. "What happened."

"Can we go inside," Buffy asked. "I think she needs to sit down. I know I do."

"Er yes, of course." Giles moved aside and Buffy entered half dragging Willow. "Is she hurt?"

"Not her blood." Buffy deposited Willow on the couch. "She's fine physically, a little knocked around s'all." She ran her hand through her hair before turning to face Giles.

"I couldn't save him."

"Couldn't save him?" Giles looked at Buffy then something clicked in his mind. "Xander," almost a whisper.

Buffy nodded.

Giles felt his knees go weak, waver, but he forced himself to remain standing. He had to remain strong. But his mind kept flashing to the youth, who researched with them, fought beside them despite their efforts to keep him safe. His mind flashed to all the times he had awakened up in the hospital to find Xander sitting beside his bed, making lame excuses for the others, who weren't there. If ever he had wanted a son... He had to remain strong.

"What happened," he asked.

Buffy told him. "It was too late even before I got there." Her voice choked, and she swallowed. " Ico..could..." she flung herself at Giles.

Angel stared at the little red light on his phone at Angel Investigations.  
It had been staring back at him for almost a half an hour. Which meant Cordelia was on it, probably to her agent or a friend. He sighed. Childish he knew, he had other phone lines, he just wanted to use that one. With a sigh, he stepped into the outer office.

Cordelia sat behind her desk staring blankly at he receiver in her hand.

"Cordelia?"

No answer. Angel move around, and gently took the receiver from her hand,  
replacing it in its cradle.

"Cordelia? Is something wrong?"

Cordelia shook her head, glancing around her, as if suddenly becoming aware of where she was. She looked at Angel her eyes bright.

Angel's stomach sank.

"That was Giles on the phone."

That sinking became a full fledged dive.

"Is Buffy ..."

"Xander's dead."

He couldn't help the relief he felt. Not because Xander was dead. He was obnoxious, annoying, a pain, but he was a comrade. One you respected, even if you didn't like him all that much. It wasn't Buffy.

"The funeral is this Saturday, in the day time so you can't go. But there'll be a grave side ceremony Saturday night. If you want to go."

Angel nodded.

Xander watched the small gathering around his grave. He'd attended his funeral, just to see who was all there, and was mildly surprised at the turn out. Even his folks were there, though he couldn't help but observe how quickly they left after it was all over. Uncle Rory had even stuffed his pockets with cookies at the reception.

Somehow, he knew that this gathering had more importance to his friends.  
Even Spike was there.

Giles spoke of an ordinary young man. Who had his world pulled out from underneath him, and resolved to stand and fight beside the Slayer, despite their efforts to keep him safe. He did it not because he had any special powers, or could fight all that well, or was all that good at research. He did it because he had a love that would not let them face the dark alone.

Buffy spoke of friendship. Anya and Cordelia followed, each with their own remembrances. Angel spoke of respect for a fallen comrade.

Willow did not speak.

Riley watched and listened, wondering why he was there, and if he was doing the right thing. Xander was rude, brash, stupid, brave. He was a civilian.  
He was a soldier on the same side. For him that was enough.

Buffy nodded at him.

"Squad Attention!"

Forrest and Graham straightened.

"Shoulder arms!"

"Ready!"

"Aim!"

"Fire!"

It had been a week since he died, and Xander was still hanging around his basement suite, because he didn't know here else to go. He'd always hard there'd be a Heaven, he knew there was a Hell, he'd seen enough proof of that, and he didn't think his was light, but he'd seen nothing of that.

He had gone to see Angel, on the theory that one dead guy could talk to another dead guy. He didn't know what he would say, but he had to try.  
Angel had just stood in his mansion, contemplating the painting he was working on. Broodier than Xander had ever seen him.

He followed Buffy on her patrols, even though she couldn't know he was there. He winced as she punished the vampires mercilessly before finally staking them. She became as grim as what she did.

Anya had disappeared.

Cordelia returned to LA, and to her acting career that never seemed to get off the ground. Besides some one had to be at Angel Investigations.

It was Willow he worried about the most. He wasn't the only one.

"We got to do something about Willow," Buffy announced, storming into Giles apartment. "Its been a week, how longs it going to take her to snap out of it?"

"What about Willow?" Giles looked up from the book he was reading, and hastily shoved the left bottom drawer of his desk shut.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "She's moved out of the dorm, back to her old room with her parents house. She doesn't come out except for class and things she has to go to. When they're over, she goes right back. I need her back Giles."

""I imagine she will get over it, when ..."

"I don't have time, I need her now. Sure, Xander's dead, it affected us all, but its over, life moves on."

Giles looked at his layer, and wondered if he even knew her anymore.

"Willow knew Xander a lot longer than we did. To see him killed in such a manner. I would imagine it brought forth the reality of her own mortality."

"Hello, I live with that every day."

"Yes, but you are the Slayer, she is not. Most people her age do not understand how precarious their hold on life actually is, or if they do they choose to ignore it."

"Huh?"

"Bad things happen to other people." Giles let out a sigh. "Willow is a sensible girl. She was intellectually and mentally prepared for the possibility that she might die and die horribly. Watching Xander die brought it home emotionally."

"So, what's she doing about it?"

"I would speculate that she is trying to recreate a time and place where she felt safe. Really safe."

"In other words, she got real scared, and now she's running."

"One could put it that way, I suppose."

"What can we do about it?"

"There may be nothing we can do, except wait for Willow to come out of it on her own or is ready to accept counseling."

"Not good enough, Giles." Buffy stared at him, blue eyes blazing.  
"There's got to be something we can do. I lost Xander, I don't want to lose her too."

They're all worried about her Xander thought. That's good, cause I am too,  
but there's not much I can do about it. Not now anyway.

-That's not true.-

"What!" Xander spun around looking for the source of the voice. There was no one there.

-There is something you can do.-

"This would be so much easier if I could see you," Xander yelled. "Then we could talk face to face."

-Something that only you can do.-

"Could we have a reality check here. I'm already dead, stuck here in this mockery of a life. I can't help her, I can't even talk to her. I know, I tried."

-She will not live without you. Even now she is dying.-

"Huh. What can I do about it?"

-Think about her. Go to her.-

Xander didn't think he had much choice, not that a choice would have made much of a difference. So he closed his eyes, and thought of Willow,  
picturing her room in his mind.

When he opened them again, he was in Willow's bedroom, watching her sleeping form, covers pulled up to her chin. Like a little girl, who had been tucked in by her mother.

"Okay, now what" he grumbled.

-Look at her eyes." The voice hadn't abandoned him he noted. "See them move, behind the lids.-

Xander did as instructed, and and was surprised to see the rapid eye motions she was making.

-REM sleep, when humans dream.-

"She's dreaming?"

-Yes. Now concentrate. Ask yourself, what is she dreaming?-

Xander stared at his best and dearest friend. He noted the even rise and fall of her breathing. Saw again the movement of her eyes behind her lids. He remembered Giles saying that she as trying to be safe. He closed his eyes.

"Xander?"

Xander opened his eyes, to find himself standing on a path, facing a clearing in the woods that used to be behind Weatherby park, where the swimming pool was now. He remembered it as a place where he and Willow,  
along with Jesse and Sarah, used to go when they were kids. It was their place. They always felt safe there.

Which is why, he supposed, she was here.

Willow stood in the center of the clearing, wearing an old flannel nightgown, the type she used to wear. She took a step closer to him.

"Xander?"

"Yeah Wills," he said with a Xander trademark smile. "It's me."

"But I thought you were, I mean I saw you, s you must be .."

"Dead," Xander finished for her. "Yeah, I know, I still am."

"Then how can you be here?"

"Because you're dreaming Willow." Xander concentrated on sitting on an old log, it felt surprisingly like the real thing. He looked a Willow. "You have to let me go?"

"Go?"

"Go," Xander confirmed. "I've been hanging around the hellmouth for a couple weeks now. I don't know where I'm supposed to go, but I don't think I can go there, not while you still want me here."

"I don't want you dead."

"I am dead Willow."

"But, that means that I am the last one. Sarah's dead, Jesse's dead, and now you're dead. I don't want to be the last one. Alone."

"Xander shook his head. "But, you're not alone. You've got Tara, Buffy and Giles. Heck, you even have Angel and Cordelia."

Willow sat down on the log beside Xander, and placed her hands in his.  
"But I won't have you."

"Yes you will." Xander looked into her eyes. "I will be with you always,  
in your memories. If you remember me I will be with you always."

"Will you remember me?"

Xander chuckled. "Willow, you are my best friend, the one I loved so much.  
Of course I will remember you, the good times and the bad. But mostly the good. You will be with me just like I will be with you. Always."

He looked grave, and the smile disappeared.

"Will you promise me something?"

Willow nodded.

"Live. You got to live Willow, the best you can."

"But why?"

Xander shrugged. This wasn't something he wasn't good at. "For me, for Sarah and Jesse, but mostly for you. So you can look the next demon in the eye and tell him that you're you, and no matter what he does, he's not gonna win. You're not going to let him win."

If you let them do this to you, then they win."

Okay.

"Promise?"

Willow bobbed her head. "I promise."

"Good. Now scoot, get back to bed. You'll catch your death like that."

Willow stood up, and started towards the path, an home. She moved a few steps, and then turned to face Xander, who was standing, watching her. She ran back, and threw her arms around him, hugging for all she was worth. She felt him hug her back, and when the embrace finally ended she was smiling.

"That's what I want to remember the most," Xander grinned back. "You'd better go."

She was still smiling when she woke up the next morning.


End file.
